I'll Never Love Again
by Sehanine
Summary: Remus knew that things would never be the same with Sirius gone.


Written for Round 10 of the QLFC

Team: Pride of Portree

Position: Seeker

Word Count (excluding AN): 998

* * *

Everything was over.

Remus sat at the bottom of the stairs, the banister broken and partially collapsed beside him. The vodka numbed his thoughts as only Muggle liquor could, but still he wondered if it was James' that broke it, as he fell after the curse was cast.

James. Gone. Lily and Peter, too. And worst of all, Sirius. Not dead, but not there either. Not sitting beside Remus, jokingly demanding he share the Vodka, or trying to distract him. For the first time in what felt like forever, Remus was alone.

Hagrid had taken the baby. Apparently, Sirius had tried, but Hagrid stood firm. Dumbledore said it was for the best; no traitor should allowed to take a baby. Remus disagreed. Sirius loved Harry, anyone who had seen them interact knew that. Remus knew that Sirius would never have done anything to injure the child. When Peter found him, perhaps he would have fled, to protect the child. Perhaps he'd still be free, and Peter would still be alive.

Remus allowed his head to fall against the wall, unable to bear its weight any longer. Azkaban. That's where Sirius was. Alone, but for the dementors and Death Eaters. People he had despised all his life. Although, Remus thought sadly, perhaps that was just good acting.

Perhaps everything had been good acting. No, Remus refused to believe that. All he had left to cling to were the memories of his time with Sirius. The time when Sirius had discovered that he was a werewolf, and just smiled and said that he wished he could tell his mum, because she'd probably keel over right then and there. The time Sirius worked out Remus was gay, and simply held him, knowing that words would not be enough to make Remus feel accepted this time. All the times afterwards, when Sirius kissed Remus' scars, obtained after a night in the shack, and told him they were beautiful.

A tear trickled down Remus' cheek, chased by what felt like hundreds more. He didn't bother to hide them, or try to wipe them away. Nobody could find him here at Godric's Hollow, even if they cared enough to look. Sirius would care, he thought. Of course, Sirius can't come now. Not ever again.

Tears refilled his eyes, longing for the relationship that he now knew was through. James, Lily and Peter were special to Remus, but he had never loved anyone the way he loved Sirius. He truly knew, within his heart, that he would never smile again to somebody new, as no-one could ever make him feel the way that Sirius did.

When Remus heard that Sirius had escaped from Azkaban, he was simultaneously terrified and excited. He knew that Sirius was a murderer and a traitor, but the facts didn't change the way he felt. Even after all these years, the love they had shared still burned deep within Remus' heart.

* * *

Of course, as always, Albus had to ruin everything.

"Remus, I'm afraid I must insist. Precautions can be taken during the full moon; Severus has already agreed to brew the Wolfsbane, but there is no better precaution against Black than having the person who knew him best in the castle."

Remus wanted to protest, wanted to tell Albus that, clearly, he had not known him at all, as he had never so much as suspected his true allegiance. The part of him that belonged to Sirius, however, would not allow him to turn down the job again. Sirius had said 'he's at Hogwarts'. That could only mean that Sirius would be going to Hogwarts himself. Remus knew he had to be there; it was his best chance of seeing the man he loved once more.

Remus knew that Harry was in no danger from Sirius. Even twelve years in Azkaban could not stop Sirius from loving the boy. Still, it would be nice to see Harry again. Remus had stayed away thus far, finding the memories too painful and trusting Albus to keep him safe, but now that there was hope for seeing Sirius once more, Remus felt he could cope with seeing him.

That all changed once he saw the boy.

Pretending to be asleep was an easy enough way to avoid him, but once the dementors arrived, Remus had to speak. Having sorted Harry out with some chocolate and a brief explanation, Remus fled the compartment.

James! He is like James, returned from the dead! Remus almost felt happy again. He thought that, perhaps, he would finally be able to heal.

* * *

Remus taught throughout the year, amazed that no-one discovered his secret, despite Severus' attempts at sabotage. He told Albus repeatedly that Harry wasn't in any danger, but the strange occurrences throughout the year kept everyone assured that Sirius was trying to murder the boy.

Remus attempted to get closer to Harry, glad to have some reminder of his former friend, but, despite the joy Harry brought him, Remus was still unable to smile. Sirius had entered the castle at least twice, and had not come to see him. Perhaps Sirius didn't realise he was there? He'd have to leave clues.

Remus, of course, knew exactly how Sirius was getting into the castle. The tunnel that led to Honeydukes was the only logical answer, and he could see the signs that it had been used recently. He took a chain from around his neck and dropped it in a corner. It was out of sight, but if Sirius was in his dog form he would definitely smell it.

* * *

When the two lovers met once more in the Shrieking Shack, Remus smiled for the first time in twelve years. Peter may have been a traitor, and he may have missed an entire year of Sirius' company by assuming he wouldn't be using the tunnel to the shack, but he finally had his best friend and true love back in his life. Finally, he was able to smile once more.


End file.
